Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life. ((Kerouac))

Like watching the last bit of sand slip through the curved hourglass, I can see and feel my time here dwindling away, and I, like the last particle of sand, am clinging desperately to the glass wall of time. Walks after dinner feel like they should have happened months ago and swimming laps in the cool blue waters at Benjasiri Park, I ask myself, “Why didn’t I do this every day?” I think about places I still want to see and back streets I have yet to explore and my time with the kids…

While I am proud to say that my work at Mercy has not only been valuable, it has been quantifiable, in terms of the grants that I have worked on, my most treasured experience has been the relationships I have built with my RIST students. ((RIST is the name of the International School my Mercy kids attend.)) Their trust, their hugs, their smiles, their good days and bad have all been shared. Their ability to overcome, their fierce determination to succeed, their good will toward others and their unconditional love for each other breaks me down and builds me up just a little bit stronger every day.

One of my girls, a mother at 19 and still in high school is consistently a renewed sense of pride (thanks dad, I stole that one from you!). Last night I joked with her, “How come you are thinner than me and you’ve already had a baby!?” She laughed and patted my belly, a sign of comfort and affection in Thailand, and replied, “P’Alex, if you stay here you will be skinny forever and when you have a baby, we have herbal pills that make you skinny, plus you will have to go to the sauna for one hour every day.” A tempting offer. I made her promise to send me the pills when I am pregnant. “No problem, they’re only 40B a pack!”

This morning, stepping out into my narrow, littered soi I was greeted by my always smiling next door neighbor. Without fail, he shouts “Good morning!” hearing the clanking of metal as I slide our front gate closed. I usually find him in shorts, with no top, a sinewy man in his early 50s with a lean face and a smile that stretches from ear to ear, either cleaning his motor bike, or shaving, using his motorbike’s 2’’x 1’’ rearview mirror for accuracy. This particular morning I found him sitting at the modest table he has just beyond his sliding metal gate of a front door. He gestured for me to come join him. I know this man to be a good man and the feeling has been confirmed with Pung’s story detailing his kindness of taking her in, during a monsoon, when she was locked out of our house. If I hadn’t been en route to editing and academic writing I would have taken him up on his offer. To be invited into someone’s home as a foreigner is an honor, especially in this community.

Our conversation went a little like this:

“Maa” he gestured with the sweeping motion of his hand, come come.

He signaled to the bottle of Blend 285, a cheap Thai scotch/whiskey still in the box, with a glass ripe with condensation and filled with a pale yellow, watered down Blend.

“Ahhh, mai-ka, kap khun ka,” I replied, with the look of Oh thank you, but no thank you, a gracious smile swept across my sleepy face. It was just before 11AM.

“Chai, nit noi, nit noi – kap,” in his most persuasive, yet gentle tone, he negotiated, “Just a little bit, a little.”

Using the limited Thai I have on reserve, I busted out my favorite line, “Mai ka, mai gin lao.” I learned this phrase drinking whiskey by accident, and learned it quickly. With the subtleties of the tonal language, saying “gin lao” can either mean, “I have already eaten” or “I have been drinking whiskey,” a lesson taken from Mercy’s security guards after they offered me dinner one night and then roared in laugher at what I thought was a perfectly valid response.

He looked confused, to why I would turn down a perfectly good, cold glass of Blend an hour before high noon. I struggled with words.

“Chan bia key-en, key-en SCHOOL?” In an attempt to explain I had to go write, to write for school, he smiled and laughed in defeat. I searched for the words “Next time” but they weren’t there and my heart saddened at the thought that there many not be a next time.

I thought about the book I am attempting to read, while continuing my work for Mercy, my own school-work and my blog; Shantaram. It’s an impressive tale and a quick paced read and I have found, a favorite among traveling young men. However, this book could not have been suggested at a more appropriate time, as the author recounts his time, as a foreigner from Australia, living in the slums of Bombay. At times I feel his stories are my own and the realities of his life are running parallel to mine. He speaks of the perception of danger to those outside of the slums and of the safety he feels within them. I relate. People know me now, as one of the few foreign faces to be seen in the neighborhood, always surrounded by Thais. I feel a sense of belonging. Looking back to my first day, watching my mother’s face trail off in the taxi out of Jet-sip-lai, I can only laugh: I had no idea what was about to happen and I thought, “What have I gotten myself into?” Six months later I choke up at the thought of leaving. When I left Prague I felt satisfied, like I was ready to move on, but here, I just feel like I’m clinging on to every last minute. 11 full days left on the calendar. I can’t wait to see the faces I left behind, but I can’t bear the thought of leaving the people I love here.

What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.
((Kerouac, On the Road))

Pictures to come soon.

ABA

Nothing behind me, everything ahead of me, as is ever so on the road. - Jack Kerouac, On the Road

The best time of day in Bangkok is 6pm. The stifling city air feels lighter, there is just enough light in the sky, people are buzzing about and the blazoning sun has taken its nightly reprieve.

This particular Sunday evening I took myself to the coffee shop near my Laundromat, in an attempt to check two things off my growing “to-do” list. Wearing my last clean pair of underwear, and I own an embarrassing amount, I couldn’t help but think of how much my to-do list was going to grow in the subsequent days.

When everyday feels like a mid-summer night, Starbucks becomes my seasonal guide. Cranberry White Chocolate Mochas and Peppermint Mochas are filled in the green and red cardboard cups, embellished with carolers and big smiling snowmen. Oversized, decorative mistletoe line the “Christmas Blend” promotional posters, tempting those who are drawn by the festive spirit. The holiday season has arrived. Nat King Cole belts out December 25th pastimes and I am reminded of the smoky smell of winter and the heat emanating from the dark, antique living room’s marble fire place.

Two weeks.

For now I am busy beyond words and still sweating in shorts, but I will try my hardest to get my parting thoughts live before my return.

Back to thesis questions, AIDS grants and proposal editing and organizing and, of course, the kids.

But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies. ((Kerouac))

ABA

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ((Kahlil Gibran))

One of the most beautiful things I have seen in a long time.

!!Click on the title of this blog post to watch!!

Check out this fantastic video of the Mercy 2 boys, as seen through the eyes of Ben. I promise it will leave you with a smile on your face and a smile in your heart!

Ben, you cease to amaze.

ABA

There is nothing that makes its way more directly into the soul than beauty. ((Joseph Addison))

The seasons are changing here in Bangkok. There are points in the night when it even feels cool. The humidity is slowly abandoning the air and the sun doesn't feel quite so hot. I can see the appeal of Bangkok "winters" and with the cool breeze and the hot sun, it is very easy to forget that it is Thanksgiving at home and people are bundled up in winter coats.

This year I have so much to be thankful for and today I woke up with a renewed sense of joy. I live in this beautiful city, I have incredible friends scattered all over the world, I’ve had the opportunity to travel the globe and meet new people and for the past six months I have had the privilege of working with Thailand’s finest.

Last night was a night of reflection and as the ones I love sat together eating turkey and stuffing, I thought about this journey. With two and a half weeks emblazoned on my calendar, I am faced with the reality that this chapter is coming to an end. And while I am sure that this is only the beginning of my involvement with Mercy and the amazing people I have met here, knowing our lives with be forever be linked, these past six months can never be repeated. The impact of this experience will only be realized in time, but without words, I can feel the change that has happened within me.

I learned the power and beauty of trust and have seen the ways it can be used for good and bad. I have learned to trust my instinct, knowing that my initial reaction to someone or something is usually the closest version to the truth. I have seen the work, compassion and splendor of a jing jai (true heart) and the way a person’s eyes can tell the story of their heart without words. I have been taught jai yen (a cool heart) and the importance of patience. I have been shown the purity of a child’s love and the strength of persistence and optimism. And I can’t imagine any place in the world where I would rather be on Thanksgiving, a day in which we give thanks for all the blessings in our lives.

Yesterday we received word that a grant I had been working on with another Mercy staff member was contracted. Nearly $32,000 has been given to support Mercy’s Bridge of Hope hospice centre, working with HIV/AIDS patients living in the slums. This morning we completed another budget for $48,000 to fund training programs, in which Mercy will teach other NGOs about our homecare and outreach programs for those living with HIV/AIDS. My kids are all back in school and working hard. One of the older girls, currently studying at Clarke University in Massachusetts, has just learned that she has been accepted, with scholarship, to study abroad in China this spring. My thesis is slowly coming together with the support of my SIT cohorts and I can start to see the light at the end of this “Masters” tunnel.

And with that, I come back to the quote: Nothing of the soul is depleted when shared. This week I was able to share my love of Mercy with two friends I met while traveling. The kids are still asking where P'Mark and P'Jules are, the two guys with the strong arms.

Mercy 2 boys with Jules and Mark. The boys were struggling after their day as a human jungle gym.

Jules at Mercy 3.

Mark and Strawberry Head.

Mercy 3.

Mark goes over Ann's power point on the Floods in Thailand.

Well done gentlemen. The kids miss you already. Best quote I heard yesterday:

"P'Alex, I had a great idea. I want to play ice-skating with your two boy friends."
- Nancy.

Anything to get back to the ice. Mark, last night in Bangkok??

The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart. 
((Helen Keller))

See the beauty and give thanks.

ABA

On the other hand, you have different fingers. ((Jack Handey))

It’s overcast. With rainy season behind us, clouds have become an uncommon sight in Bangkok. Life seems to slow down in these moments. Perhaps it’s my complete lack of sleep, but the candy-colored taxis appear to be moving slower and the traffic almost gives the impression of order. The coffee shop is busy and the espresso machine is working itself in circles. With the lack of sun, comes the need for more caffeine, but even the venti isn’t working today.

I look around and besides the fact that I am surrounded by Thai’s, I feel like I could be in any major city in the world. Traffic and Starbucks, two things almost all major cities claim these days. And if it isn’t Starbucks, it’s some other coffee shop, where the smell of burnt toast and ground coffee beans dance in your nostrils. I used to feel pangs of guilt when I walked into a Starbucks in another country, almost like I was cheating on my current city and its rich culture, but in Bangkok, where coffee shops are a rare sight and Starbucks line every city corner, I am left with no choice. Besides, a taste of familiar every once and awhile is a balance I need.

The palm trees lining the street remind me of the temperature outside, yet my computer reads November. Coming from and always living in places that have four distinct seasons, I can’t wrap my head around how summer has lasted so long here. It will be this hot tomorrow and the next day and the next, yet there are plastic Christmas trees popping up in front of malls and winter clothes are coming out in the stores. Yesterday I saw a mannequin bundled in a thick coat, scarf and hat. Zara is stocked with heavy sweaters, tall leather boots and down coats.

We are living in the world’s hottest city.

Even in mid-November, the heat, coupled with the heavy humidity, makes your clothes cling to your dampened chest, milliseconds after stepping out of an air-conditioned room.

A thick coat of gloom hangs over the city, it’s only reprieve being it’s Friday. It feels like a good night to find a new spot, a underground jazz club, with deep maroon velvet couches and thick air, where the strangers faces are blurred from the lack of light. I’m convinced, like Starbucks, most major cities have a place like this. With my familiar quotient filled, I am prepared for the novel.

On a final note, recalling a conversation with a friend in the States last week, we spoke of doing things on your own. Moving many places on my own, not knowing anyone upon arrival, I have become a master of doing things solo. In fact, I enjoy a day to myself and I still find myself wandering the city alone, even though I have made quite close friends here. However, going on vacation alone is a first for me. This means a lot of alone time.

Next week I am off to Vietnam, alone.

Fortunately, I have always had friends scattered in every corner of this small planet and Vietnam is no exception. Wednesday I touch down in Ho Chi Minh City, also known as Saigon, for two days, where I will see Mike Kane, someone I spent many a days in diapers with and have not seen in years, and then I will continue on to Nha Trang, Vietnam’s most popular beach and “the” diving spot of Vietnam. It’s there that I will see two friends I have made in my travels, a Dutchman and a Brit. We will reconnect again in Ho Chi Minh City and continue on to Bangkok together. So while not really alone, we’ll see how well we connect with no phones and just the promise of dates and hotel names.

Always ready for an adventure, I will have my moleskin close by my side.

And with that, the sun is peaking it’s head out and I am almost finished with my coffee, my brain is slowly waking up and the prospect of NEW is getting me out of this seat and pushing me back into the world.

Until next time, go do something new. Shake things up a bit and never feel guilty about a little alone time, it keeps us fresh and makes us more pleasant.

Photo compliments of the one and only, Rick Ashley.

ABA

The surest way not to fail is to determine to succeed. (( Richard Brinsley Sheridan))

What is International Education?

From traditional Buddhist meditation camps, to the intricacies of Thai/ farang relationships, on which a large industry has been based, to the nuances of a tonal language, or the mere fact that I am living in Bangkok’s oldest and largest slum, there is no denying that I am getting a very in depth international education.

Yesterday I found myself in one of my “calming” centers – a bookstore. Any bookstore or coffee shop will do and as a self-described “life-long learner” I find these places of great value to my education. The caffeine boost, combined with the hiss of the espresso machine and the splash of the milk make a coffee shop the ideal spot for me to write – my mind is stimulated and the backdrop is familiar and tranquil. Bookstores feed my craving to know more and it’s hard for me to leave empty handed. I’m that person that goes home after a long conversation and googles everything.

But yesterday my journey to the bookstore had a purpose, as opposed to most of my visits; I was looking for TOEIC text books. As an “international educator”, a certified TEFL teacher and the experience to prove it, I have to admit, I had never heard of TOEIC before. I had only been introduced to the term the day before by one of my older students. ((To clarify, I tend to talk about my high school students that I work with daily, but I also work daily with Mercy staff members to improve their English.)) These staff members are determined learners, knowing the importance of English in their careers and lives.

This particular staff member started only two months ago; as a quick background: she graduated from a four-year university in Thailand this past spring. She was sponsored through Mercy and had been studying travel management, but her dream, from a young age has been to be a flight attendant. She gets that sparkle in her eye when she talks about the flight crews she used to see at the airport, “beautiful in their smart uniforms.” She idolizes these people and this job that allows them to see the world.

And I digress…

The TOEIC stands for the Test of English International Communication, which is the test you must take (at least in Thailand) and do well on, to be a flight attendant. While my student’s English skills are nearing the advanced level, her confidence is lacking, not to mention the vocabulary level for this test was challenging even for me as an English major and Master’s candidate. She took the test this spring and her score was not quite high enough to be a flight attendant, so she was offered a position as ground crew. It was there she was able to practice her English every day with “people from all over the world, just passing through” she says. She’d recall the ‘stunning’ female flight attendants breezing past with an air of confidence. But after two months of work, she was called back to Mercy, to “pay it forward” as they say. There is a rule here that if you are sponsored to go to school, you must come back upon graduation and give two years. It is considered by some a “win/win” as the graduates are guaranteed a job and have Mercy to put on their resumes, while Mercy has educated staff trained in English and Thai working for them. There is talk that they are going to start allowing the option between that or sending a percentage of your income to Mercy for the first two years. That, however, is for another blog post.

So now, here she is, with a dream in sight, sitting behind a desk at Mercy. My hope is that I can keep her English afloat while I’m here and that another native speaker will come to Mercy soon and pick up where I’ve left off.

The other day I went to her desk to start our lesson, and there was a notebook lying out. The opened page read: “TOEIC” along the top, followed by a breakdown of the elements and sections of the test and what she needed to work on, but it was the last line that got me. “My goal is to be a flight attendant. A dream worth fighting for.”

She has been my most dedicated student by all terms and goes above and beyond what I ask of her – filling entire books with vocabulary terms I’ve given her and terms she has come across in her work. She spends her nights in her room studying and doing extra practice sheets I have left with her. She inspires me because she is so driven and she knows what she wants.

She has a dream that she is fighting for.

And so yesterday I went and bought two TOEIC textbooks, with practice tests and vocabulary worksheets, along with tips on how to ace the exam. It reminded me of the untouched LSAT books gathering dust in my room and how I need to donate those to after school homework centers when I get home. This student has a gift some of us can only dream of: she knows exactly what she wants, and for that, I am going to help her achieve that dream as much as I possibly can.

Just another lesson in international education, whatever that means.

This post is dedicated to this student who is going to be the best flight attendant Thailand has seen. She is something to aspire to.

Education will not (take the place of persistence); the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.

((Calvin Coolidge))

ABA

Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. ((rumi))

The rains have stopped, it almost seems unnatural; a Bangkok without spontaneous torrential downpours. We have now crossed into November, the dry season. Since the temperature never seems to fluctuate more than a few degrees, always dancing around 90F, there are two seasons in Thailand: dry and wet. I am happy to report that we are entering dry season, even though most of the country is very much wet.

There seems to be more and more babies in my neighborhood these days. Every time I walk out my front door there is a newborn being cradled by their grandmother or teen mom. I watch as the bellies expand and detract over the months and wonder about the lives these children are being born in to. I think about the kids at Mercy and how against all odds they are excelling in some of the best schools in the city and looking forward to university in their futures.

One of the hardest things for me to go against is my nature to look at every side to every given situation. Given the drastic discrepancy between the life I have been born into and the lives of those around me here, I can't help but wonder why. Yesterday, I picked up a copy of my friend’s book “The Pursuit of Happiness” written by a psychiatrist from the States about his conversations with the Dali Lama. One of the opening anecdotes related to Westerner’s need to explain everything in a scientific and rational way, eg: All our emotions and thoughts are the product of chemical reactions in the brain. The Dali Lama disagreed, stating, that if you always look for answers as to why people are the way they are and why the act the way they do, only considering this life time, then it is like saying you are looking for your keys in only one room of the house – you are setting limitations and boundaries. Buddhists believe in the notion of karma, one I find myself aligning with, regardless of the fact that I tend to side with tangible, explainable concepts.

The book continued with a discussion on depression and how to train yourself to seek happiness. It made me think about Jack Gilbert’s poem “A Brief for the Defense”. This poem is brilliant and Jack Gilbert is one of my all time favorite contemporary poets. I keep a copy of this poem in my journal and it has been with me my entire stay in Thailand. The poem is about the sorrow and misery in the world and yet how people are still happy and we must not deny our happiness and let the sorrows of the world weigh us down. If you haven’t read it, I suggest a quick google search while you’re thinking about it.

A favorite exert:

Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not staving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that’s what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not
be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well.

This is not to say that we must ignore the realities of the world around us, but that we must insist on happiness. This has been a common theme in a lot of the reading I have done lately and I think it’s something many of us forget to do; letting ourselves slip away into a dark place in which we can no longer recognize the person in the mirror. Then the frustration comes when we feel guilty about being sad when we know rationally how lucky we are.

The mind is a powerful thing and we must remind ourselves that we have control over it. We can allow the weight of the world to drag us down, or we can ask, “What can I do to make it better?” The Dali Lama suggests the same: make a list of the things that make you happy and those that don’t and slowly try to do away with the things that make you unhappy. While it sounds very simple, it’s worth a try. And on days when you wake up and life seems like too much to handle, the list of what makes you happy will serve as a pleasant reminder that this is life and there will always be suffering of some kind and of some degree, but it’s up to us to remember just how fortunate we are.

We must admit there will be music despite everything. ((Jack Gilbert))

Thursday I will return to “nun camp” for the day to make offerings to the monks (how did they know I would be back?!) and next week I am off to Vietnam for a few days. I am blessed and I promise to remind myself of that everyday.

Off to make my list of what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy and start working on my pursuit of happiness.

Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.
((Elizabeth Gilbert))

The start of my "Things that Make Me Happy" list:

ABA

My love is a hundred pitchers of honey. ((Jack Gilbert))

While Mercy is dry, those of you that own a television or have access to the internet know that most of Thailand and parts of Bangkok are still under water. It has been hotter and drier (sans rains) than usual here and while we aren’t swimming at Mercy, we are feeling the impact of the flood. Food prices have gone up, you STILL can’t find bottled water anywhere and the kids are on their 3rd week out of school. I just heard today that my kids won’t be back in school until the 15th – the projected date for now. This means that by the time they go back to school they will have been out for a full month. At least their teachers are pumping them with homework via google documents. However, tonight I went through their homework assignments to find they have been receiving these assignments since week one – now reports on scientists, reading questions and math homework has piled up quite high.

The people in the area are still split over whether or not our neighborhood will see water. The latest hypothesis I heard was that there are 3 meter deep waters coming towards us that have to pass through our neighborhood to finally make it to the river and out to sea, but because we are 3 meters above sea level we will only see a few inches of water. The Mercy flood team has been going out into surrounding areas to meet with the people affected and there are pictures on Facebook of them wading in waters up to their waists. (See the Facebook page “Mercy Emergency Flood Team” or the link on my page for pictures.) Concerns are brewing over the health risks of wading in these waters and some of our staff members are out there every day.

On Halloween, amidst all the flooding chaos, Mercy had a small celebration for Father Joe’s 72nd birthday. It was really incredible to see all of the Mercy homes together in one room and it really felt like one extremely large family – sort of like the Boulier family reunions.

Fr Joe and the part of the crew that I could fit in the frame.

Love these boys.

Some of the Mercy 6 crew.

Tomorrow night marks the first movie night at Mercy 2 without Ben. The kids continue to ask me where he is and when he is coming back. I’ve been telling them Australia, but I get blank stares, so I think I’m going to start making up some really cool stories, like he is flying a spaceship to the moon. With these pictures they may believe me…

Captain Ben.

It’s CRAZY to think that I have just 5 more weeks here at Mercy – where has the time gone?? And to break it up even more, I have to go on a VISA run in a week and a half. Looks like Ho Chi Minh is calling my name and from there, a little beach bar in Cambodia. In true Alex fashion I have made plans to travel with someone I don’t know! Fortunately, he has good references. Cathleen’s boyfriend’s brother is living in South East Asia as well (The Philippines) and has to do a visa run around the same date as me. We have been emailing a bit, seeing if there was a way we could meet up, since he knows Cathleen well and I have met his brother a few times and finally it has worked out. So, another day, another adventure. See you cats for Christmas, it looks like I’ll be coming back!

ABA